Saturday, September 29, 2007
This Friday (9-28) marks two year's since he went to heaven, please ensure everyone takes time to squeeze their kids a little tighter and never ever take for granted that tomorrow will come!
Her beautiful son Cavion died of cancer 2 years ago yesterday. I was one of the first people to see him when he was born. I was pregnant with Bria at the time. I can't even imagine losing one of my babies. I am grateful to have known Cavion and I look forward to seeing him again in heaven. Q
Thursday, September 27, 2007
The first time I saw this pic of Nailah Franklin and read about her disappearance I knew in my spirit she was gone. But I prayed I was wrong. Today my initial reaction was confirmed. All I want to know is why? I know people are killed everyday and I ask why about them also. What makes a person just decide to kill someone else? Is it a spur of the moment thing or is it on their to do list like get up, brush my teeth, kill someone? I can't even imagine the pain her parents are going through right now. I know I love my daughters to death and having something like this happen to any of them would darn near kill me. I hope when people look at this picture of this woman, they don't see some stranger. I hope they see their mother, daughter, sister or friend and realize we have all got to do what we can to make this world a better place. RIP Nailah Franklin Q
Wednesday, September 26, 2007
Today I saw the moon. It was full and looked as if it was sitting right on top of the mountains. Like I could reach out, grab it, and put it in my pocket. I just stared as I drove. I felt drawn to it. I wanted it. To have on those days when the light is just too much.
I could just take it out and place in the sky causing the sun to retreat and the darkness to fall. Just so I could be alone with my thoughts, with my emotions. I could walk outside in the darkness and no one could see my tears. No one could see my pain.
The moon has just enough light to see my way around but not to much to show all of my flaws, the things that are so evident when the sun is out. Q
Monday, September 24, 2007
Jill Scott's new album comes out tomorrow and I can't wait. I don't know who is more happy, me about getting it or Thomas because he is sick of me counting down the days. Last night he said "yeah 2 more days, man I can't wait until 2 more days get here", lol!!!! Tuesday will be a good day. Q
Sunday, September 23, 2007
This morning I awoke to the most beautiful sight. Thomas was standing in our bedroom and was quietly moving around trying to avoid waking me. I watched him as he opened the drawers to find some socks and then went over to the closet to get some clothes. He closed the door to the bathroom so the sound of water running would not wake me. Then he slowly eased out of our bedroom closing the door behind him. Off he went to make breakfast, wake up the girls, feed them, pick our their clothes, turn on the t.v. and wait for me to wake up so we can all go to church together. To some it might sound strange but for us, it is something that we do every weekend. You see he gives me a break and allows me to sleep in because he knows day in and day out, I am the ones who fix the kids breakfast and lunch. I am the one who picks out and irons there clothes. I am the one who fixes their hair. I am the one that drives them to school and takes care of the conferences, field trips etc. So on the weekends, I don't have to do any of that.
I love my husband because he doesn't subscribe to the roles society tries to place on families. Yes he is the head like he should be but he doesn't ask or expect much. He loves me just as I am. I do some things that others might look at and say "if that was my wife, that wouldn't happen" but for him, that is why he loves me. He allows me to be me because he knows that I love him for him. We have a mutual respect for each other and we are secure in our love for each other. I do things for him that others don't see and wouldn't be able to do like I do and vice versa. Even now when I am nowhere near the size I was when we got married, he still loves me just the same and never makes me feel bad. He acts as if there is absolutely nothing wrong with how I look but still encourages me because he knows I have a goal in mind.
There are times when I want us to do something and he doesn't quite see it but he trusts me enough to support me. What I love the most about him is not what he gives me or what he does for me, I love him because he loves the Lord more than me. I can't remember a day going by I have not seen him studying his bible. He loves the Lord and God is first in his life and I love him all the more because of that. Because I know if he puts God first, he will always do what's right for me and the girls.
This was even more evident to me the other day when we visited our daughter Trey and her daughter at the hospital. I don't know most people let alone me who could forgive and still love someone if they did all the things she has done to us. As we drove home he even said he considered taking her back in but knows he needs to really pray and seek the Lord about it. That touched me because he put his own feelings aside and is willing to do what thus says the Lord. He is not ashamed about his relationship with Christ. He once got offended when someone commended him on being faithful to God because in his eyes, that is how we are supposed to be. I love him because I know Jesus truly lives in him and he strives all the more to be like God.
So Thomas if you are reading, I know I don't always tell you because we are just like that but I LOVE YOU so much. You are the best husband in the world and I couldn't imagine being married to anyone else. You are the kind of man I pray every woman is blessed to find. You are the true example of a man of God, a husband and, a father. Thank you for always putting God first and me second. Thank you for serving the Lord and loving me like Christ loves the church. Thank you for putting up with me and all my crazy ways, and loving me just the same. Thank you for choosing me as your wife. Thank you for all that you do and just for being you. I am so blessed to have you as my husband and my friend. You encourage me to be better and I love you for it. I love you. I love you. I love you. Q
Friday, September 21, 2007
Thursday, September 20, 2007
But I am. I have been feeling like this for almost a month now. Everything makes me sad. I don't know what is wrong with me. You wouldn't know it if you saw me because my hair is still fly, I am still looking kaa-uutte and I do all that I need to do everyday. But inside I am crying.
I know it is spiritual more than it is emotional but I admit I am afraid of what lies ahead. I know I am moving into the next level in my walk but taking the first step is hard. So instead of doing what I need to do, I am suffering. I know it is only a matter of time before my hard-headed self lets go and do what I need to do. But for right now, I will just deal with my sadness. Q
Wednesday, September 19, 2007
I already began preparing in the event it does happen but I am also believing in God to work a miracle for my baby. I also know that sometimes His miracles come in the form of using other people like a surgeon. I will most likely quit my job and stay at home and home school Bria until she is able to return to school. I was just really hoping her days of going back and forth to appointments were over.
Then later today, I got a phone call from my daughter (not biological) Trinasha. See this post here . She had her baby today, a little girl and wanted us to come by and visit. No I never updated on the situation but as you can see, it hasn't gotten too much better. A part of me would like to go and just pour out all my love. The other part is weary because of all the hurt and pain I went through. I want to be there but I am not ready to let her back in completely.
Tonight we went to the State Fair so the kids can ride and play games. I was actually feeling great until my phone rang and it was my dad. At first I didn't answer because I was trying to get the girls settled but then he called again so I knew it was important. He told me that my 95 year old great-grandmother passed away today. Tomorrow is also my grandfather's birthday (her son whom I never met). I was sad but at peace at the same time. It amazes me how one soul came into my life and another one went on to glory all in the same day. I just need time to process everything. Q
Tuesday, September 18, 2007
Although the statement makes sense, it is easier said than done. I know this first hand because going back to work I am balancing my family, kids, homemaking, friends, qt with my dh, working out, a side business and everything under the sun. Too little or too much of anything is not good. You have to find that middle ground to make it work.
It is hard for a person like me because I stress a lot and there so much I want to do. Even while I sit here typing, I am thinking about a million other things. I am working hard on finding the balance in my life. In my mind things are set and done in a certain way but I know balancing it all means sometimes settling for less than perfect. That drives me crazy!!! I am just praying and believing God to give me peace and to help me accept that I can't do everything and I can't be everywhere for everybody. I need to realize it is okay to go to bed with dishes in the sink, or clothes not folded, or the carpets not vacuumed. It will be there tomorrow and I can do it then. It doesn't make me a bad mom if the kids eat leftovers or I forget to buy more bubble bath. I just need to find the middle ground and know that I am okay. Q
Monday, September 17, 2007
I like it because on the side it also has measurements in ounces which helps me keep track of how much water I am drinking. It also has a cool flip cap and the drinking spout rotates. The website is www.enviroproductsinc.com Q
At the time I called they were giving away tickets to a new club named "Seven". The female dj answered and she remembered me from myspace and gave me vip tickets for me and 9 of my friends. I was thinking "I don't have 9 friends". I have friends but there isn't too many I actually hang out with. I thought about it and decided to call Kristi and El. They are both members of my church and are all around cool women. Thomas looked at me funny when I told him but I figured I would go and listen to some good music and head home.
When we first got there, it was kind of boring. The vip tickets I had also came with champagne. I don't drink but I think a small glass of wine or champagne is fine so the girls helped themselves. After about 30 minutes, the dj from the radio station (Dana) arrived and the dance floor started to pick up. Our section was above the dance floor so I went down to dance with a group of girls. Dana spotted me and we spoke, hugged, and just laughed. I danced off to myself most of the night until Candy, the other dj tried to show me up but I broke him down and he kept it moving!!!
Afterward we week out to eat at the Village Inn and just had some good convo. I didn't get in until after 2 and I knew I would be tired because I still had to go in and work. Fortunately for me, work went well and I was in and out in about 4 1/2 hours. Then I headed home, crashed, and later ordered pizza. Dana invited me to come back to the club but that is really not my scene. But I will keep it in mind if I ever want to get out, dance, and be around some cool people. Q
Sunday, September 16, 2007
Friday, September 14, 2007
1) Lying- I will admit I have serious issues with people who do this. I am not saying I have never lied. I am talking about people who lie for no reason at all.
2) One uppers- You know the person who always has to out do you with a story. If you broke a bone, they broke 50 etc. Most of the time they are a combination of pet peeve #1.
3) Lazy folks- People who are always looking for a hand out but don't want to get up off their behinds and do anything.
4) Non hand washers- Just nasty, nuff said
5) Woe is me-ers- Here you are feeling good about yourself and they come along and make you want to jump off a darn cliff. Keep all that negativity and sadness to yourself. It's like nothing good ever happens to them.
I have more but these 5 work me the most. Q
Thursday, September 13, 2007
"Pay no mind to those who talk behind your back, it simply means that you are 2 steps ahead"
Whew this spoke to me today!!! Q
Yes she did move back to Texas. No she wasn't going to tell me. Then she tried to get smart with me when I shut that down real quick. My reason for calling her was to tie up some other loose ends and I needed some information only she could provide. Fast forward a hour or so and I now know she was lying. She is not answering my calls so I leave her a message. I get a phone call from her family member, who was now giving me the real information.
Not only did she lie to me, she lied to them, and she lied to them about me. Anyone who knows me knows, that lying to me is a big no no. But lying on me and trying to put my name through the mud will get you cut!!! Yeah I said it.
So right now I am just thanking God for deliverance and praying He can calm me down because right now I am so angry I could hurt somebody!!! Q
Wednesday, September 12, 2007
As I drove up to her apartment, I knew in my spirit she was gone. Her car was not there and the outside of her apartment looked weird. The sliding door was open and I noticed the blinds on her windows were torn, some were missing, and it just didn't look neat and clean like she usually kept it. I knocked on the door and a young lady answered. I asked if "S" was there she said "no, she moved". I said "okay" and walked away.
I am in shock. This is someone I have loved like a sister. Her kids called me auntie. I was there for her, went out of my way for her. Now I wouldn't change a thing I did for her but for her to up and move like that, hurt me. She could have called. She could have sent me a letter. I should not have found out like that. I don't know what she is doing. I don't know if she is still here or if she went back home to Texas. I don't know if she and the kids are okay. I am too shocked to be hurt right now. I don't even know what to do. Yall pray for me. Q
I am very open about my past. I share the good, the bad, the ugly, the downright stupid, and embarrassing. I do so not to get sympathy or to bring attention to myself. I do it because the more I share, the more power I have.
There is nothing anyone can say to me that I haven't said to myself. I was and am my own worst critic. I used to feel like I was unworthy, worthless, and a disgrace. I had done too much stuff, I hurt too many people, and had been used way too much to be worthy of love. That was until I finally accepted Jesus and everything change.
Like She-Ra I am now armed with a sword that gives me unstoppable power. Ephesians 6:17- Take the helmet of salvation and the sword of the Spirit, which is the word of God. I have the power, that is the word of God which has released me from my past. The old things I have said or done or been through no longer apply. They have lost all power and cannot touch me. I still have people who knew the old me and try to keep me locked into the past. I just smile and keep it moving because I don't know the person they speak of.
I am armed with a sword greater than the world can imagine. Hebrews 4:12- For the word of God is living and active. Sharper than any double-edged sword, it penetrates even to dividing soul and spirit, joints and marrow; it judges the thoughts and attitudes of the heart. 13- Nothing in all creation is hidden from God's sight. Everything is uncovered and laid bare before the eyes of him to whom we must give account. I have already confessed my sins and moved on from my mistakes. Every time I read and absorb the word of God I gain more power. Every time I share my story, I gain more power. Every time I share my testimony, I gain more power. I have the power over the story that is my life. I have the power and overcame my past. I have the power to know my past does not define me. I have the power and there is nothing you can do about it!!! Q
This is powerful!!! Q
Tuesday, September 11, 2007
Favorite Basketball player: Vincent Lamar Carter (Vince Carter)
Favorite Sports Team: Yankees and Knicks (yeah and what)
Favorite Number: 8
Favorite Movie: Silence of the Lambs
Favorite ice cream flavor: Butter Pecan
Favorite soda: Dr. Pepper
Favorite Holiday: Easter
There you go. Q
"Bed" by J Holiday Q
Monday, September 10, 2007
Last night I watched the VMAs. Like most of America, I was interested in seeing Britney Spears perform. Although I am not a fan of hers at all, I was pulling for her to come out and give a great show. Sadly I was disappointed.
It never amazes me how quickly people turn on you. Britney was once America's pop sweetheart and now everyone is ready to toss her to the side. I can't imagine being in her shoes but I know how she feels. The only difference is my faults and my slip ups aren't caught and put out there for the entire world to see.
Lately, I have not been feeling like myself. I have been stressed, moody, mean, crazy, you name it. I have decided to step back from some things and just spend time with Lord and getting back to the Queeny I know I should be. I am the first one to admit when I am wrong and when I have fallen. It is times like this when all I need is the prayer of those who love me because I know with God I will be able to get back up. Q
Wednesday, September 05, 2007
I am listening to "A Beautiful World" by Robin Thicke. I actually like this one better than the current cd he has out now. This guy was seriously slept on. So what are you listening to? Q
I wasn't happy because I feel trapped and restricted. We have been living in NM going on 6 years and I don't like it anymore. It was cool at first because the kids were young and I was focused on them but now that they are older, it is time for me to spread my wings.
I need to live somewhere a little more exciting than this. My husband loves christian hip hop, I like r&b and we both like sports but there isn't a professional team here. We very rarely get decent acts and if we want to see a game, we will have to travel out of town. I know I was sent here for a reason and I am very grateful but now I think it is time for us to move on.
My husband was notified that he was on the cross training list so there is a strong possibility he will be going into a new job and we will probably get orders. We talked last night and he is going to update his dream sheet with possible choices. Right now our top choices are VA, NC, and TX. I know it will be at least a year before anything happens but in the mean time I am already preparing for it. Just the thought of it makes me happy and gives me hope.
What about you? What will make you happy and what are you doing about it? Q
Kaliyah: Mom your belly almost looks like you have a baby
Me: Thanks Kaliyah but I don't
Kaliyah: But it looks like it
Me: Wow thanks for hurting my feelings
Destiny: Mom, I think you look pretty.
Me: Thanks Destiny
Kaliyah: She's pretty but she looks like she almost has a baby. Look look at that right there (while she points to my stomach)
Destiny: Kaliyah that is so rude. Kaliyah you don't almost have a baby, you either have a baby in your belly or you don't. Mom doesn't have a baby her stomach is just a little big that's all.
Kaliyah: That's what I was trying to say.
Gotta love em. Q
Tuesday, September 04, 2007
Oh and I am def feeling my workout from yesterday!!! Q
Monday, September 03, 2007
Here is what I did today:
Dumbbell Bench Press- 12 reps 5 pounds
10 reps 10 pounds
8 reps 13 pounds
6 reps 15 pounds
12 reps 13 pounds
Dumbbell Bench Flies- 12 reps 5 pounds
Seated Dumbbell Press- 12/ 2 pounds
10/ 5 pounds
Side Raises- 12/ 5 pounds
Dumbbell Rows- 12/ 5 pounds
Dumbbell Pullovers- 12/ 5 pounds
Seated Extensions- 12/5
9/13- I could only do 9
Tricep kickbacks- 12/5
Standing curls- 12/5
Hammer curls- 12/5
On to day 2!!! Q
Sunday, September 02, 2007
Everyday is a new I get closer to Him. A new day for me to get stronger and wiser. If I knew it all, I would not need Him. But I don't so I do. So instead of looking at my flaws, see the beauty of God in me. See the blessings and the anointing He has placed on my life. See how far He has brought me from and pray for me. I stumble, and I fall, but I get back up and keep on moving.
Wait for me. There is so much more to what God has in store for me.
Wait for me. There are so many more things He has for me to do.
Wait for me. There are more trials, tribulations, and tests for me to overcome.
Wait for me, as I wait on Him to appear and say Well Done!!! Q